O. anatinus has a poisonous side.

oh yeah i have a tumblr

it’s been a while.  i thought randomly that i should come on here and delete all my personal posts but then i don’t because i’m too lazy and don’t know if i care enough yet.

so despite what i said before i’m now in a monogamous relationship with the boy, not that i wasn’t before haha.  it’s going fine.  honestly, i think when i’m old enough that my friends are getting married and having babies, and i’m seriously thinking how i could be married to this guy and have his babies…. it’s still very strange and considering my best friend has told me HORRIBLE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT i’m still like i reeeeally don’t want kids…. yeah.  i do want them, but i don’t.  i do want to be polygamous, but i don’t.  i feel it all at the same time.

hmm.

i watched a video on youtube today, i’ll repost it if i remember, but yeah, this guy was talking about what it’s like to be genderqueer, and even though i don’t quite feel male enough to really say i’m genderqueer, i can say that 

as for the pretty girl who thinks she’s ugly and horrible…. *sigh*.  i’m glad we are in the friends/probably will be roommates/not having sex zone.  i think it would be cool if we could innocently cuddle more, but i think that would probably just fuck with her (especially since i personally would like to add “making out” to that list but i doubt the boyfriend would go for that) so all in all i’m good with where we are.  i’m a close enough friend that i can help her with her shit and yet i’m not the girlfriend who really feels as if she has to devote her time to helping her through this shit.  i’ve got my own crap to deal with, and taking on hers would be tough.  i am very grateful my bf seems to have a solid grasp on his emotional state, and he doesn’t really need a lot of attention there.  (i feel i’m in the middle)

the thing is though, i don’t know how to tell her she really needs to just get off her ass and do SOMETHING.  i mean, she’s 20, not in school, no job, still lives with parents, and spends her time playing instruments, on the computer, or sleeping.  

and you know what?  i feel for her so hard, i really do.  i have depression and sometimes that shit knocks me down and i’m completely useless for a day, semi-useless for a week, whatever depending on the situation.  i know the feeling of wanting to spend all my time in bed, i get it all the time.  it’s cozy, nothing happens, it doesn’t cost anything and no one can hurt you.  how much better can it get, right?  totally get that.  and i totally get that on top of depression, she has a bunch of anxiety issues and is transgender, and each of these things is just a whole fucking mess piled on top of mess, and i can’t comprehend how those would impact me were i in her situation but i can estimate that it would be a whole bunch more shitty.

the good thing is that i feel she’s really trying to work on her mental situation.  she’s making appointments and (as far as i know) mostly keeping them, getting a shrink… all great things that i think in the long run will allow her to work on becoming who she wants to be, maybe cut down on the self-hate and focus more on her life and not her mental problems.  and i think this is necessary if she ever wants to be motivated enough to do what she’s gotta do.

the bad thing is, those positive effects are not going to help her get a job or move out, things she wants so badly to do.  unfortunately, the only way to do this is to physically get out there and do it.  whether it be fight with the government to get on welfare, hand out resumes to anyone and everyone (and make sure that resume is awesome and you take the time to get the manager and do all that asskissy bullshit), fight with OSAP and the university to get the hell in there, fight with OSAP and the college and take something there, or, hell, ALL OF THE ABOVE, she needs to just get out there and do it.  and then when shit happens and there are setbacks and no one will hire you and there’s a ton of red tape to go through for the government and schools….. nope, can’t stop, gotta keep going to people and talking yourself up and writing letters and making phone calls and standing in lines and handing out resumes and EVERYTHING.  even volunteering is better than nothing - you’re not wallowing in your own misery and you have something to put on your resume.  

is this shitty?? YOU BET IT IS.  fuck job hunting, fuck lines, fuck schools, fuck the government.  it sucks, they suck, they bend you over and rape you.  but that’s life!! you have to do it because if you don’t you will be hungry, homeless, broke and miserable.  the only way out is to fight your way out, trying to find jobs that don’t suck, trying to learn skills or get a piece of paper in areas of life that don’t suck, and then getting better jobs that suck less, pay more and that you’re more likely to enjoy and/or be good at, while trying to coordinate that with what is in demand (because fuck me, if she becomes a teacher like she wants to, sure, that’s fine, it’s better than what she’s doing now, but of all the many many teachers i know, most are super broke, super unemployed, or moving to places to teach that give you isolation pay.)

i wish i knew how to tell her how i do it without wanting to kill myself every day.  but i can’t, because i really don’t know.  when i sit down and think about things, yeah, everything IS shitty.  how do you tell people to be happy when everything is shitty?  you can’t.  they have to find their own happiness.  and i know it’s out there.  because i found it.  it’s in the things i enjoy and the people who are awesome, because as few as they are, they’re out there.  over time i learned to deal with most things that really make me sad or annoy me.  i guess the only weapon i have is my age and experience, and again, that’s not something i can just give people to take along their merry way.  they have to earn it themselves.

i wrote a lot about that and i really wasn’t intending on it.  it’s probably because when i think of tumblr, i think of her.  

way to go roach weed.

quickie

totally did it, totally worth it, BOOOOO YEEEAAAAAAAAAA

SHHHHH HEHEHEHE

I’ll never be monogamous, and I refuse to apologize for it.

It fucking breaks my heart, watching her have to pose as a man every day of her life because society is a piece of shit.  It puts my problems into perspective EVERY DAY. I fucking said, when I was 18 years old, during a study someone was doing about LGBT youth something-or-other, something to the effect of “being bisexual is a cop-out because as a woman, I can just go out there and get a boyfriend and pretend that the part of me that likes girls just the same doesn’t exist.” It was recorded.  I still believe this every day.  It’s like, I’m sitting on the fence of the gay and trans* community, able to be on their side but unable to really be a part of what’s going on, and unable to really understand it all.  All I can see is that it must fucking suck and it makes me upset just thinking about it.  It’s a good thing I’m not trans* because I don’t think I’d be strong enough to handle it.  

More to the point of this post… It breaks my heart, because she’s such a wonderful person.  That I still like very much and care for very much. That, if I thought we could, and I thought it would go well for us, I would totally not have a problem with cuddling with and kissing and whatever.  That closeness.  You know that closeness.  I’m addicted to it.  And with her… well, I mean, when I see her asleep in my bed and she’s so pretty that feeling in my chest and stomach appears… yeah, that closeness.

And it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still seeing this guy who was fucking kind enough to stay over while I went to work and do some of my dishes and clean up a bit.  Just, because.  And his face, the way his eyebrows furrowed so much when I was explaining just how my dad caused my abandonment issues… I know he cares about me so much.  And I obviously feel the exact same way.  I fucking see CHILDREN, okay? I see goddamn kids come into my work and I’m like oh my god how cute and how cute would our kids be and how nice of a guy is he that he would just be a great father and he’s even talked about the kind of kids he wants and it just sounds like a damn good plan.  Yep.  That.  Went from 100% no kids to 90% no kids by now (I blame the cute redheaded boy who called me his friend for most of this) and that 10% is REALLY REALLY LOUD.

And guess what???? NONE of what I have said really affects the fact that today, I think I’m going to smoke more pot, take a shower and get all cleaned up, and go wander my incredibly stupid ass over to my adopted mother’s house, see if her grandson is home, smoke pot with him and see if maybe he wants to cuddle again. And then see what else happens.  Because ever since my last post, the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about him and that night is kind of a lot.  

Yep.

This is my life.  I know, on some level, I must be a cheating horrible person… but considering my views on relationships, on my feelings towards people, and everything my strong yet incredibly fucked up moral sense tells me… I’m just going to keep living my fucking awesome life.

It’s been a while, but here we are: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING

hi

so

my life is already complicated, but it was at a steady pace, aside from the health issues.

and yes, my best friend’s nephew does look like the pretty girl.

and he’s, you know, his own person and nice in his own way and i’m preeetty sure he’s only 7 years younger than me and barely legal and i’m preeeeetty sure we were flirting on my couch about a half hour ago.  barely, but i think it was there.  90% sure it wasn’t me overthinking things.

not sure what to do about this, i drove him home.  i want to fucking think about this before i go fucking around with people’s emotions.  also, what happened with his gf?

yep.  so.  more people that i’m attracted to possibly being attracted to me.  i remember the days when i just liked people and nothing really came about it because they didn’t like me back.

yeah

this is equal parts Much Better as it probably is A Problem, considering my previous posts.

but hey, this is me

so i’m going to ride it out and if shit goes down…. considering i have no willpower… oh yeah, this is going to be AMAZING.

EDIT: WOW IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN 24 HOURS SINCE “he’s all i need” WOW WOW WOW

In all seriousness… it really didn’t help that he didn’t respond to my text.  not that i blame him.  it was just an unfortunate setup.  

OKAY IT’S TIME TO SLEEP NOW HAHAHAHAHAHA

oh boy

has it really only been four weeks? i say this because my main dilemma, aside from continuously hearing my phone go off when it doesn’t (i forget what that’s called but it has a name), is that i really should have brought up exclusivity because thinking about bringing it up now is so much worse.

and i’m doing less shit with other people.

i mean, i say i like the girl, and that’s kind of true, but we’re good as friends, we’ve kinda stopped doing shit especially since she knows someone else exists now, and she has issues i really haven’t seen ((BIG NOTE HERE if i were to pursue something with her i would try my damndest to help her and me deal with all of her issues in a heartbeat, whether i could or not is another story entirely but there’s no question in whether i would try or not - i would))… but from what i’ve seen of the boy he’s got issues i can deal with.  sadly my limit of what i can deal with is lower since i have so much mental crap of my own.

on the plus side, at least i haven’t ended up in rehab yet.  and no one goes just for pot.  oh man, having so much extra spending money is bad.

when i go back to school, and i will because i actually want to, but i don’t want to look into shit until next week, because i just need a breather lol, and i want to wait a bit to see what happens with this me and this boy shit…. so maybe it won’t be in september but i’ll still go…. in the meantime, resume and job hunting, oh my, barf.

where was i going with that

oh yes

with restrictive spending in school, i will automatically smoke less weed.  which works because i’ll be busy doing schoolwork and filling my spare time with the boy.

and my ladyparts.

sorry, i just felt like being dirty there.

i should go to bed but after the revelation of school far away being an impossibility, i actually think i may read some cards.  why not, i’m already exhausted.

as for not seeming to be able to talk about things with the boy… i’m just terrified he’ll leave.  i’m making things worse.  but at the same time, i’m - on my own, with no extra pressure from him being mad or whatever - just kind of drifting into a place that i think he would be okay with anyway.  like for example, if me doing things with other people is cheating even though we never discussed being exclusive or really being an official couple… but yeah i’m still a douchebag whatever way i look at it…. it doesn’t matter because i’m not doing anything with anyone else.

but that’s not what matters to me anyway.

what matters to me is that i don’t want to do anything with anyone else.

he’s all i feel i need.

in [MAJOR CITY CLOSE TO WHERE I LIVE]

i told you i loved you when you couldn’t hear me because of the rave music

whatever

you are so amazing, you make me ridiculously happy, i hope you never go away and i will literally do anything for you

that is all

sup.

so it’s not entirely hard to find me.

so if you did, you two that i was just talking about tumblr with, well, don’t read beyond this point.  i’m so serious.  leave now.

if you ignore that and read anyway, don’t be mad and don’t bring anything up lol.

other than that, i don’t know, i do need to share more shit.

oh man, you have no idea what i don’t share.