has it really only been four weeks? i say this because my main dilemma, aside from continuously hearing my phone go off when it doesn’t (i forget what that’s called but it has a name), is that i really should have brought up exclusivity because thinking about bringing it up now is so much worse.
and i’m doing less shit with other people.
i mean, i say i like the girl, and that’s kind of true, but we’re good as friends, we’ve kinda stopped doing shit especially since she knows someone else exists now, and she has issues i really haven’t seen ((BIG NOTE HERE if i were to pursue something with her i would try my damndest to help her and me deal with all of her issues in a heartbeat, whether i could or not is another story entirely but there’s no question in whether i would try or not - i would))… but from what i’ve seen of the boy he’s got issues i can deal with. sadly my limit of what i can deal with is lower since i have so much mental crap of my own.
on the plus side, at least i haven’t ended up in rehab yet. and no one goes just for pot. oh man, having so much extra spending money is bad.
when i go back to school, and i will because i actually want to, but i don’t want to look into shit until next week, because i just need a breather lol, and i want to wait a bit to see what happens with this me and this boy shit…. so maybe it won’t be in september but i’ll still go…. in the meantime, resume and job hunting, oh my, barf.
where was i going with that
with restrictive spending in school, i will automatically smoke less weed. which works because i’ll be busy doing schoolwork and filling my spare time with the boy.
and my ladyparts.
sorry, i just felt like being dirty there.
i should go to bed but after the revelation of school far away being an impossibility, i actually think i may read some cards. why not, i’m already exhausted.
as for not seeming to be able to talk about things with the boy… i’m just terrified he’ll leave. i’m making things worse. but at the same time, i’m - on my own, with no extra pressure from him being mad or whatever - just kind of drifting into a place that i think he would be okay with anyway. like for example, if me doing things with other people is cheating even though we never discussed being exclusive or really being an official couple… but yeah i’m still a douchebag whatever way i look at it…. it doesn’t matter because i’m not doing anything with anyone else.
but that’s not what matters to me anyway.
what matters to me is that i don’t want to do anything with anyone else.
he’s all i feel i need.
hey look, i should be sleeping again.
so things are pretty good. i accidentally threw out a pack of pills though, because i do dumb shit like that. i also fell off my bike. i was sober for that one. my knee hurts.
so he said he’s looking for jobs in the city i’m moving to. i didn’t even have to bring it up, he did. he said he wasn’t assuming anything. i’m not either. but my priorities have now shifted to finding him a fucking job. in the city would be nice, hell, anywhere in the damn area would be fine. i don’t even know what i’m going to do, i’ve been googling fucking jobs and asking everyone i know even though how the hell are they going to know this information and….
and i just really, really want him to come with me. so i guess i’ll just do whatever i can fucking think of and basically spend the rest of my time here counting down the days until i move and hope something happens before that time. and if not, at least i went kicking and screaming because he’s totally worth it.
i didn’t even want to be in any form of a relationship and now i don’t even fucking care, i fucked other people and got into a bunch of situations and none of them were, in the end, half as fulfilling as this one is. i know there are other people out there i could be with and i still believe all that crap i felt last year at this time about relationships and polygamy/monogamy issues and all that. but at this point i can’t see there really being anyone out there who is this awesome. i know i kind of felt that about my ex for a little bit because we had a deep connection and in ways he’s awesome, but the problems that turned up early on are the ones that broke us apart later. and i don’t know about that whole let’s spend half the time in that relationship thinking about other people, whether it was because i wasn’t in a fulfilling relationship even though i thought i was, or because i feel the need to be with others no matter who i’m with at the time, or what that was about. i don’t know.
right now i don’t have any desire to be with anyone else though. that’s all i know. i saw him not 24 hours ago and i fucking miss him like crazy. i’m glad we spend time apart and i fear living with him in the future (if that were to ever happen) because i’m afraid of what happened last time but i can’t compare and honestly, I would so do it. Who am I kidding? If he said he wanted to live with me, I’d totally do it.
I just totally realized I was being all not vague enough hahaha. Okay, I think it’s time for bed. Boo waking up early, but I have a full entire fucking day off on Saturday and I don’t think ANYONE has asked me to do anything on that day, so I think I’ll sleep in, go see my parents, and then clean the shit out of my house.
Betcha I try to get up early to get food before work and then don’t and then starve!
so i’m here. read my sexual secrets below.
i’m going to write shit down and post it, and knowing that it’s out there will scare me enough to really think more about everything that’s going on.
i will only be honest, and it will probably suck if anyone finds this because that’s my worst fear. i’ll probably abandon this or delete the posts anyways, so whatever.
i’m fucking exhausted right now and i have other shit to do, like painting… but i’m waiting for movies to download since i want to take my computer upstairs.
i only follow one person on tumblr. she’s really pretty, and if i were lucky, i would have gotten to know her a lot sooner. if i thought i could, i would get to know her a lot better now, but i can’t. i’ll just have to be satisfied with what we have between us, which is a nice friendship.
she really is beautiful though. like, when she’s fucking lying in my bed and i’m like wtf are you even doing here because i might be cool and all but i’m old and kind of lame and you’re so hot and awesome… she has this wonderful smile with these beautiful full lips, and eyes that sparkle… it’s not just looks too, don’t get me wrong, i have fun when i’m with her, she has a really great sense of humour, and she’s so kind and thoughtful… like, she always and automatically thinks about how others would feel in different situations, and she’s really sensitive. i just want to cuddle her all the time. and smell her lol. because she has this wonderful awesome smell that is just uniquely her and intoxicating at the same time.
and she would probably not stalk a person’s tumblr and not tell her because she was too afraid that she would be taking away a place that she could freely express different emotions that might be difficult to talk about in real life.
yeah. so there’s that.
there’s also the roommate. the one who has the curly hair that i really like to sproing. the one one keeps saying things like he’s totally willing to move to different cities on a whim, and that he’s actually never been with anyone other than me, and that even though i’m moving he seems as unafraid as i am that in the end i’m really going to be putting my heart in a blender when i have to leave him. i mean, he leaves for less than a week to go two hours away and we miss each other like crazy. so even though we haven’t discussed anything beyond the fact that we hang out and have sex and cuddle a lot… i can’t picture him not coming with me. more specifically, i can’t picture him not being in my life longer than five months.
he also makes me want to see people less, like i don’t care that my friend seems uninterested in sex with me unless he’s especially horny… and i’m really hoping to not see the *other* roommate - the one i was told not to sleep with, and then i laughed because even though i had to do it he was kind of right - in the sexual way ever again… and even though i might have a shot with the guy i was sleeping with years ago, the fact that it hasn’t happened yet is irritating enough that i don’t think i care that much. and, even though she’s hot, i can probably do without the threesome between my ex and our friend, even though she’s really hot… there’s just so many issues there that i just don’t want to have to deal.
he makes me feel torn between feeling all these commitment-y moving-y come-with-me feelings and my original and still-standing positive opinions toward polygamy and being single and being free and not trapped in a relationship….
and the girl? she doesn’t help either. if i thought she would come with me, i would be having a hard time of it. no matter what i do, i have realized that you can’t even tell a person who understands polygamy that you are seeing other people, you want to keep seeing them, and that feelings toward one person have no bearing on the others… without sounding like a douche, even just a little. and i have also realized that no matter how much i would like to see whoever i want whenever, i can only ever ask one person to come with me when i move.
because that’s commitment.
so yeah, i’m okay with being friends with her. she’s pretty delicate too i think, i don’t want to fuck around with people with lots of issues anyways, i’m dealing with my own shit and i don’t know how helpful i would be there.
fuck though. i have lots of feelings all the time.
i’ll try to figure out posting pictures and crap. reposting. i don’t know what the hell else you do here.
i don’t want to say fuck again because i feel like i’ve used it a lot, but fuck, do i have a lot of painting to do before i go to bed.