oh yeah i have a tumblr
it’s been a while. i thought randomly that i should come on here and delete all my personal posts but then i don’t because i’m too lazy and don’t know if i care enough yet.
so despite what i said before i’m now in a monogamous relationship with the boy, not that i wasn’t before haha. it’s going fine. honestly, i think when i’m old enough that my friends are getting married and having babies, and i’m seriously thinking how i could be married to this guy and have his babies…. it’s still very strange and considering my best friend has told me HORRIBLE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT i’m still like i reeeeally don’t want kids…. yeah. i do want them, but i don’t. i do want to be polygamous, but i don’t. i feel it all at the same time.
i watched a video on youtube today, i’ll repost it if i remember, but yeah, this guy was talking about what it’s like to be genderqueer, and even though i don’t quite feel male enough to really say i’m genderqueer, i can say that
as for the pretty girl who thinks she’s ugly and horrible…. *sigh*. i’m glad we are in the friends/probably will be roommates/not having sex zone. i think it would be cool if we could innocently cuddle more, but i think that would probably just fuck with her (especially since i personally would like to add “making out” to that list but i doubt the boyfriend would go for that) so all in all i’m good with where we are. i’m a close enough friend that i can help her with her shit and yet i’m not the girlfriend who really feels as if she has to devote her time to helping her through this shit. i’ve got my own crap to deal with, and taking on hers would be tough. i am very grateful my bf seems to have a solid grasp on his emotional state, and he doesn’t really need a lot of attention there. (i feel i’m in the middle)
the thing is though, i don’t know how to tell her she really needs to just get off her ass and do SOMETHING. i mean, she’s 20, not in school, no job, still lives with parents, and spends her time playing instruments, on the computer, or sleeping.
and you know what? i feel for her so hard, i really do. i have depression and sometimes that shit knocks me down and i’m completely useless for a day, semi-useless for a week, whatever depending on the situation. i know the feeling of wanting to spend all my time in bed, i get it all the time. it’s cozy, nothing happens, it doesn’t cost anything and no one can hurt you. how much better can it get, right? totally get that. and i totally get that on top of depression, she has a bunch of anxiety issues and is transgender, and each of these things is just a whole fucking mess piled on top of mess, and i can’t comprehend how those would impact me were i in her situation but i can estimate that it would be a whole bunch more shitty.
the good thing is that i feel she’s really trying to work on her mental situation. she’s making appointments and (as far as i know) mostly keeping them, getting a shrink… all great things that i think in the long run will allow her to work on becoming who she wants to be, maybe cut down on the self-hate and focus more on her life and not her mental problems. and i think this is necessary if she ever wants to be motivated enough to do what she’s gotta do.
the bad thing is, those positive effects are not going to help her get a job or move out, things she wants so badly to do. unfortunately, the only way to do this is to physically get out there and do it. whether it be fight with the government to get on welfare, hand out resumes to anyone and everyone (and make sure that resume is awesome and you take the time to get the manager and do all that asskissy bullshit), fight with OSAP and the university to get the hell in there, fight with OSAP and the college and take something there, or, hell, ALL OF THE ABOVE, she needs to just get out there and do it. and then when shit happens and there are setbacks and no one will hire you and there’s a ton of red tape to go through for the government and schools….. nope, can’t stop, gotta keep going to people and talking yourself up and writing letters and making phone calls and standing in lines and handing out resumes and EVERYTHING. even volunteering is better than nothing - you’re not wallowing in your own misery and you have something to put on your resume.
is this shitty?? YOU BET IT IS. fuck job hunting, fuck lines, fuck schools, fuck the government. it sucks, they suck, they bend you over and rape you. but that’s life!! you have to do it because if you don’t you will be hungry, homeless, broke and miserable. the only way out is to fight your way out, trying to find jobs that don’t suck, trying to learn skills or get a piece of paper in areas of life that don’t suck, and then getting better jobs that suck less, pay more and that you’re more likely to enjoy and/or be good at, while trying to coordinate that with what is in demand (because fuck me, if she becomes a teacher like she wants to, sure, that’s fine, it’s better than what she’s doing now, but of all the many many teachers i know, most are super broke, super unemployed, or moving to places to teach that give you isolation pay.)
i wish i knew how to tell her how i do it without wanting to kill myself every day. but i can’t, because i really don’t know. when i sit down and think about things, yeah, everything IS shitty. how do you tell people to be happy when everything is shitty? you can’t. they have to find their own happiness. and i know it’s out there. because i found it. it’s in the things i enjoy and the people who are awesome, because as few as they are, they’re out there. over time i learned to deal with most things that really make me sad or annoy me. i guess the only weapon i have is my age and experience, and again, that’s not something i can just give people to take along their merry way. they have to earn it themselves.
i wrote a lot about that and i really wasn’t intending on it. it’s probably because when i think of tumblr, i think of her.
way to go roach weed.
I’ll never be monogamous, and I refuse to apologize for it.
It fucking breaks my heart, watching her have to pose as a man every day of her life because society is a piece of shit. It puts my problems into perspective EVERY DAY. I fucking said, when I was 18 years old, during a study someone was doing about LGBT youth something-or-other, something to the effect of “being bisexual is a cop-out because as a woman, I can just go out there and get a boyfriend and pretend that the part of me that likes girls just the same doesn’t exist.” It was recorded. I still believe this every day. It’s like, I’m sitting on the fence of the gay and trans* community, able to be on their side but unable to really be a part of what’s going on, and unable to really understand it all. All I can see is that it must fucking suck and it makes me upset just thinking about it. It’s a good thing I’m not trans* because I don’t think I’d be strong enough to handle it.
More to the point of this post… It breaks my heart, because she’s such a wonderful person. That I still like very much and care for very much. That, if I thought we could, and I thought it would go well for us, I would totally not have a problem with cuddling with and kissing and whatever. That closeness. You know that closeness. I’m addicted to it. And with her… well, I mean, when I see her asleep in my bed and she’s so pretty that feeling in my chest and stomach appears… yeah, that closeness.
And it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still seeing this guy who was fucking kind enough to stay over while I went to work and do some of my dishes and clean up a bit. Just, because. And his face, the way his eyebrows furrowed so much when I was explaining just how my dad caused my abandonment issues… I know he cares about me so much. And I obviously feel the exact same way. I fucking see CHILDREN, okay? I see goddamn kids come into my work and I’m like oh my god how cute and how cute would our kids be and how nice of a guy is he that he would just be a great father and he’s even talked about the kind of kids he wants and it just sounds like a damn good plan. Yep. That. Went from 100% no kids to 90% no kids by now (I blame the cute redheaded boy who called me his friend for most of this) and that 10% is REALLY REALLY LOUD.
And guess what???? NONE of what I have said really affects the fact that today, I think I’m going to smoke more pot, take a shower and get all cleaned up, and go wander my incredibly stupid ass over to my adopted mother’s house, see if her grandson is home, smoke pot with him and see if maybe he wants to cuddle again. And then see what else happens. Because ever since my last post, the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about him and that night is kind of a lot.
This is my life. I know, on some level, I must be a cheating horrible person… but considering my views on relationships, on my feelings towards people, and everything my strong yet incredibly fucked up moral sense tells me… I’m just going to keep living my fucking awesome life.
haha i’m so boring because i just have text and few pictures
you know, even when people seem pretty uncomplicated, they really are very complicated. i’ve always felt as if i’m the one in relationships with all the issues and the complications that have to be watched out for…. but i think maybe i’m about the same, maybe even less complicated than the people i keep hanging out with. i’m not sure i have it in me to figure out someone else, on top of myself, and keep that in mind. but i do know i’d love a chance to find out.
i was originally pissed off about the monogamy/polygamy issues, and i think before, i would have said something like “i wish i could be that person to comfort both people in my life right now that i care about and be strong for them when they’re not feeling the greatest” but lately i’ve kinda calmed down on it. and sadly, i think i have no choice but to make a choice. i can’t devote myself properly to more than one person. especially since i’m now thinking i can barely devote myself to one person lol. i want to so bad. but i don’t think it would make either of the others in this situation particularly happy, so… i don’t know. i guess i have to pick. and based on the way we just fit together, i know who i want to pick. of course, knowing how they would feel would be helpful, but i can’t ask without sounding like a horrible person.
damn it. why do people have to be so wonderful and confusing and pretty and in my bed?
so i’m here. read my sexual secrets below.
i’m going to write shit down and post it, and knowing that it’s out there will scare me enough to really think more about everything that’s going on.
i will only be honest, and it will probably suck if anyone finds this because that’s my worst fear. i’ll probably abandon this or delete the posts anyways, so whatever.
i’m fucking exhausted right now and i have other shit to do, like painting… but i’m waiting for movies to download since i want to take my computer upstairs.
i only follow one person on tumblr. she’s really pretty, and if i were lucky, i would have gotten to know her a lot sooner. if i thought i could, i would get to know her a lot better now, but i can’t. i’ll just have to be satisfied with what we have between us, which is a nice friendship.
she really is beautiful though. like, when she’s fucking lying in my bed and i’m like wtf are you even doing here because i might be cool and all but i’m old and kind of lame and you’re so hot and awesome… she has this wonderful smile with these beautiful full lips, and eyes that sparkle… it’s not just looks too, don’t get me wrong, i have fun when i’m with her, she has a really great sense of humour, and she’s so kind and thoughtful… like, she always and automatically thinks about how others would feel in different situations, and she’s really sensitive. i just want to cuddle her all the time. and smell her lol. because she has this wonderful awesome smell that is just uniquely her and intoxicating at the same time.
and she would probably not stalk a person’s tumblr and not tell her because she was too afraid that she would be taking away a place that she could freely express different emotions that might be difficult to talk about in real life.
yeah. so there’s that.
there’s also the roommate. the one who has the curly hair that i really like to sproing. the one one keeps saying things like he’s totally willing to move to different cities on a whim, and that he’s actually never been with anyone other than me, and that even though i’m moving he seems as unafraid as i am that in the end i’m really going to be putting my heart in a blender when i have to leave him. i mean, he leaves for less than a week to go two hours away and we miss each other like crazy. so even though we haven’t discussed anything beyond the fact that we hang out and have sex and cuddle a lot… i can’t picture him not coming with me. more specifically, i can’t picture him not being in my life longer than five months.
he also makes me want to see people less, like i don’t care that my friend seems uninterested in sex with me unless he’s especially horny… and i’m really hoping to not see the *other* roommate - the one i was told not to sleep with, and then i laughed because even though i had to do it he was kind of right - in the sexual way ever again… and even though i might have a shot with the guy i was sleeping with years ago, the fact that it hasn’t happened yet is irritating enough that i don’t think i care that much. and, even though she’s hot, i can probably do without the threesome between my ex and our friend, even though she’s really hot… there’s just so many issues there that i just don’t want to have to deal.
he makes me feel torn between feeling all these commitment-y moving-y come-with-me feelings and my original and still-standing positive opinions toward polygamy and being single and being free and not trapped in a relationship….
and the girl? she doesn’t help either. if i thought she would come with me, i would be having a hard time of it. no matter what i do, i have realized that you can’t even tell a person who understands polygamy that you are seeing other people, you want to keep seeing them, and that feelings toward one person have no bearing on the others… without sounding like a douche, even just a little. and i have also realized that no matter how much i would like to see whoever i want whenever, i can only ever ask one person to come with me when i move.
because that’s commitment.
so yeah, i’m okay with being friends with her. she’s pretty delicate too i think, i don’t want to fuck around with people with lots of issues anyways, i’m dealing with my own shit and i don’t know how helpful i would be there.
fuck though. i have lots of feelings all the time.
i’ll try to figure out posting pictures and crap. reposting. i don’t know what the hell else you do here.
i don’t want to say fuck again because i feel like i’ve used it a lot, but fuck, do i have a lot of painting to do before i go to bed.