It’s been a while, but here we are: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING
my life is already complicated, but it was at a steady pace, aside from the health issues.
and yes, my best friend’s nephew does look like the pretty girl.
and he’s, you know, his own person and nice in his own way and i’m preeetty sure he’s only 7 years younger than me and barely legal and i’m preeeeetty sure we were flirting on my couch about a half hour ago. barely, but i think it was there. 90% sure it wasn’t me overthinking things.
not sure what to do about this, i drove him home. i want to fucking think about this before i go fucking around with people’s emotions. also, what happened with his gf?
yep. so. more people that i’m attracted to possibly being attracted to me. i remember the days when i just liked people and nothing really came about it because they didn’t like me back.
this is equal parts Much Better as it probably is A Problem, considering my previous posts.
but hey, this is me
so i’m going to ride it out and if shit goes down…. considering i have no willpower… oh yeah, this is going to be AMAZING.
EDIT: WOW IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN 24 HOURS SINCE “he’s all i need” WOW WOW WOW
In all seriousness… it really didn’t help that he didn’t respond to my text. not that i blame him. it was just an unfortunate setup.
OKAY IT’S TIME TO SLEEP NOW HAHAHAHAHAHA
since we haven’t talked about exclusivity, i’m just going with whatever i was doing before. AKA we should probably talk lol.
so on top of still sleeping with my one friend, i have pretty much been approached by someone i work with for stuffs… he’s married with kids, and i dunno, i’ve always been a little curious….
and that’s basically what’s going on there.
you know, aside from the boy i really like and see often and oh my god he really needs to come with me.
but, i mean, he’s all i want to find a job, and that’s cool and all….
but fuck that, fuck this town, fuck everything and come with me. you’re so sweet. i will try and convince some of your friends to come with us and then it will be easier for you to meet others. failing that, give me a couple of months and i will be able to introduce you to friends. it doesn’t matter what it is, i will do it, i will find a way. because you’re amazing.
and even though i’ve pretty much concluded that most committed, exclusive relationships are dumb and unnecessary, if you told me that’s what you wanted, i’d totally do it. you know, if we actually stayed together and shit. i would totally be the best partner you could ask for, i’m fucking serious. there’s really not a whole lot i wouldn’t do for you. i would fucking quit sleeping with other people, i would quit smoking weed (actually, i don’t think you’d make me quit, just cut down, which is reasonable, and i don’t think i’d like you so much if you were the type to make me quit), i would move to wherever you were living even if it were shitty (with some discussion, and after i was done school), and i think i had something else here but i forgot what it was.
oh yeah. i’ve been 100% convinced that i don’t want to have any children since i was old enough to realize what the fuck it meant to have a child. i think i’m down to like 95% sure. i have no idea if it’s because getting older and having that annoying fucking feeling in my body that demands i get on with making the babies… it’s getting louder and louder as i get older, i swear… or if it’s because i think you’re actually a decent enough human being that i would actually reproduce with you (which is like a HUGE WTF if you actually know me, i hate so many people and think sterilizations would be a great thing for some)…. seriously though. not only are you awesome, physically good looking, but i actually think you would make a decent father to any kid i would have, and i think you’d actually stay with me to help out with the raising of the kid (seriously, even considering having a kid terrifies me, i mean at this point i can barely take care of myself, let alone trying to take care of a kid) …. i wish there was a way of explaining how INSANE it is that i’m thinking of any of this at all, because i seriously don’t even want children at least for another like 5 years, and even then, it’ll be a pain in the ass to get pregnant, and seriously, my sister is afraid to ask me to babysit and i’ve never done it before in 9 years because of this… but we would make such cute babies and i guess my point is that if you wanted children, i might just have them for you and help you raise them. YES. I’M INSANE.
but in the meantime, since i’m terrified i’m actually going to move away and you won’t come with me, i’ll seek solace by sleeping with other people. because it’s fun.
although to be quite honest, you’re really the best i’ve ever had. and that is so saying something for a bunch of reasons right fucking there.
seems like all my posts are just little letters to the boy, aren’t they?